我的天很灰

2007年是我生平最难过的一年。它可怕得让我害怕过最后的两个月。当你身旁的人纷纷出事，你不禁开始绝望，开始会问自己有什么事不可能发生。这一年让我的人生观彻底改变。从开朗乐观的我，变得绝望悲观。也许表面上看不见吧。但是，心中一种下灰色的种子。想的都是难过的事。

有时候我感到无助。就算你把问题告诉了全世界，他们帮得了你吗？最好的朋友也只能听你有多苦，但不能帮你承担。最终，你只是自己一个人面对。

有时候，我希望这一切都只是个梦。 我希望从恶梦醒过来。我希望生命还是美丽的。这样的希望会随着2007的过去而到来吗？

BreakThru Cafe

I am like so super busy. This is supposed to be e-learning week = holiday. But everyday i am mugging like crazy. 9 modules' online assignments + 2 essays + 3 Proj grp work prep all in 1 week. I think we are all superman. Maybe we all are.

So to cut the crap short, I happened to pass by this place called BreakThru Cafe and I really wanna recommend this place to all of u. If u are thinking of a starbucks or spinelli near chinatown, drop the idea. Visit BreakThru. This is a modern dim sum place opposite the subordinate court. But it is far from normal. The waiters serving there are people who were once judged in that very same court before, been into jail and out. These people after been to 突破之家, a Halfway house after jail, have accepted Christ and turned their lives anew.

When I look at this men serving in the cafe, and I listened to Kelvin Soh's song "机会”，I was so touched that tears came to my eyes. He was an ex-convict for drug offences in and out of jail for nearly 20 years. He first started taking drugs at pri 5 cos his father was taking drugs then. He is now the head of 突破之家 and these men under him are given new jobs by the new lines he created such as this cafe.

Believe me, this is one very touching cafe u must go to. Its definitely cheaper and more worth it den the watever else cafe. It helps u get in touch with ur human side again.

Life

One thing I realized these few days is when one grows old, more problems come your way. I noe u probably gonna say i am talking crap cos tts common sense. But when you start to experience this yourself, you will understand that "problems" doesnt come at bad hair day level. Its life and death problems.



Yeah, I am being mysterious here. If you followed my blog closely, I mentioned this at the beginning of the year abt some serious problems. 8 months down the road and I can declare my problems not only did not end, but its 一波未平，一波又起。The scale increasing in maginimity (is there such a word?) Heck. Some may kind of know the things that I went through since Jan 2007, especially my dear who been there with me all the way. Actually, I wanna thank those ppl who gave me advice and stood by me when I was stranded in the sea of life. Thanks ppl.



Initially I lamented " God, why did you set me on contract teaching for a year, then NIE?" Why not let me go on permanent bond so that I can continue my studies at NIE immediately after I grad from NUS?"



Now I noe the ans. God has plans to shape me during my contract teaching and during this 1 year at NIE. He needs 2 years for me to go through the trials in life so that I am tough enough to survive in school when I finally grad.



My dad and mum told me sth 2 days back which made me smile. They said I really grew up. They were dumbfounded and amazed at how I rise to the occasion when there is a need. I always thought I was a silly little girl who was like a fly that lost its head. Now I realize, time and trials have made me stronger. Or rather, I was forced to be stronger. Life's test......

Wasteful People Should Vanish From the Face of The Earth

Today, my mum excitedly showed me a bag full of clothes. Full of clothes that have the labels still on. Full of clothes that are of designer label. When I am talking abt designer labels, I am not talking about things like Adidas and Mphosis. I am talking about Armani Exchange. And what are these clothes for? Initially meant for the dump. U ask me why? I wonder why too.

My aunt works at a factory and these are some of the clothes that the clothes factory throws out at the end of the year. Brand new clothes with the tags still on. And I am not talking about 70s looking designs with quirky looking wind-breakers with the wrong colour combi. These are up-to-date jackets which teenagers like me (ok... maybe a bit past teen) may even considering buying at a mall if I see them at afforable rates.

BUT. My aunt wanted to throw it into the dump cos her "up-market" and "high-class" air stewardess daughter won't even take one look at them. No one wants it, except for their maid who tried to steal it when it landed into the rubbish bin previously. So my cousin thought, perhaps she should throw them away. But my aunt tot its such a waste and gave them to me sneakily (because the daughter rants madly if she gives).

So i just started to wonder... Why do some ppl have wierd mindset like... these clothes are mine, if i do not want them, i will not give them to other people too. But these clothes are new with tags still attached, designer labels. Yet, even when the other party doesn't mind having a few new clothes even if they were worn a few time, one REFUSES over her dead body to give them except to the garbage bin. It bugs me to see such wasteful people existing. Especially when I remember people dying in the cold and from hunger in some countries stark naked.

Yo everyone!

I am back~! Actually u all noe why no posts recently?

1. Been super busy with content upgrading at NIE during the hols.
Its a crazy 3 weeks whereby 3 mods and 6 exams are being crammed. And its not as if its very easy. The 3 mods are in 繁体字 and some are in 白话 style cos they are ancient books. The 3 mods are 修辞，语法 and 文字学. 文字学 is the worst especially. Its all in 古文 and its like the entire 5000 history of china and its dynasty timeline and happenings to be forced into my head in 3 wks. First time i experience brain-ache. Its not even headache. Its deeper level.

2. I been surveying my blog, but no response from anyone in the tagboard. So I assumed no one has been checking on my blog, haha... so no motivation to blog. So if i noe ppl are constantly checking, I will come and blabber. But if no one reads, I feel like I am talking to myself.

Alright, so that's abt my VERY summarized 2 mths in 1 paragraph. Take note, my summary is improving! hehe..

Oh and regarding why change of look but no posts, that's cos I myself feel that the entire blog look pretty screwed up. And super NOT IT-savvy me had to bug Gerard to fix it for me. AND u guys noe waT? What I need to do in 1 day, he did in 1 min! I need kind frens like him.

So yea, now content upgrading is over and school has started, but not full blast yet since tutorials are not in yet, but I can almost feel the lecturers breathing down my neck. And u noe how it feels? Like as the time for assignment deadlines to draw near, their hands will be around ur neck, wringing you half-dead. I have 9 modules. 9 mind u! And assignments for all 9. But, I must say content up-grading was good training. I am so much more resilient now. I am going by Nike's slogan "Just Do It". No time to think. JUST DO IT.

I noe chewy has gone through this as well. But I still wanna say, NIE is still so much more fun then teaching in school. Cos the diff is in NIE, u can afford to stone for a while in class since u are not the one teaching. But in school teaching, u stone, u die.

I am so thankful for the new friends I made in NIE. Without them, I wonder how life will be like. Actually no need to wonder, I noe --- zombie-like. These ppl make me laugh so hard I wanna cry sometimes. And who said u cant make true frens after sec sch? These ppl supported me thru content upgrading. Studied with me in NTU canteen after lessons at 530 all the way to 930pm just to make sure I noe whats gg on for the 文字学 test the next day (since my head was empty that day. So empty that the tutor asked if there were any qns, I didn't. Why? Cos I din even noe whats going on in the first place.)

I am so grateful, grateful that beyond my XMS gang, I can still meet true ppl like these. =)

My darlings!!

My cute little girls

My favourites in class. The one in the centre is the cutest baby i haf ever seen!!

This is the whole of my p1 class.

Just some of the girls in my p1 class

It was the last day of school last fri. I must say, I really really miss my darlings in class. The photos here are of my lovely p1 babies. I always call them my 乖宝宝。They are special to me because they are the first bunch who I can call my own. Finally when my contract ended, many ppl asked me whether I haf decided that teaching is for me. When I signed the bond, I must say I wasnt sure yet. But the last few wks of school really showed me wat I was to all the kids. I see my worth in this place now. Its a kind of joy that I never felt before. I never felt I was useful before. I never felt I was indispensable before. In fact, I never knew until the kids wrote to me abt their feelings. Now i understand the teaching slogan "teach, make a difference". I am not an embassador of teaching or wat, but I truely felt the joy in this line now.





On the last day of sch before sch dismissal, the principal accounced to the sch that the day will be my last day as I will be gg NIE. I din feel much initially, until I went to stand nx to my p5 class and I realized a few of them started crying. At that moment, I felt so helpless. I wanted to hug them and say that its alright, I will be back. But first of all, I cant hug them and secondly, I din noe if I will be back.



Now i understand why some stay forever in this line while some cant wait to leave. Its the sense of satisfaction that u derive from the job that set u packing or keep u staying.



I never imagined my kids will cry when I leave on the last day. It made me so sad that I had tears in my eyes too. I cannot let them see me so weak because I cant set the whole class crying too. But I realized that perhaps I din teach the best in the whole wide world, but maybe i mean something to them. This is more den enough to make my life worthwhile.

让我哭吧！

过了半年，自己也不知道为他们做了什么。但这些简单的卡片与小礼物让我感动不已。现在，我知道自己付出的是值得的。 我真的要哭了。。。。。。

Severed finger trauma

Today, I met with sth really traumatizing. At least for me. I was on my way during my free period to the canteen to get some food for late lunch. I was happily gg back to the staff room with my curry puff... when this cute little p1 girl and her friend walked quickly towards me.
She said:"老师......"

She drew my attention to her hand... which was dripping with blood.

Thick Red blood. When I say thick, I mean thick, like mixed with flesh kind of thick.

I took a look at her finger as she raised it high to me. Half the flesh of her thumb was gone from the side. her nail was gone. It looked like a mess of flesh, with a huge chunk missing. The finger looked battered, like it was crushed somewhere. She told me she fell down and her finger was cut by a faulty stone chair.

I tried to hide my shock and fear as I quickly walked with her to the general office. Along the way, she could still tell me "好恶心".

I used strengths perspective and told her how brave she is, not even crying when she is hurt. She nodded and held her tears.

When we reached the office, she still wasnt crying yet. I put my arms ard her and patted her head. I tried my best to comfort her and give her assurance that everything is gg to be ok. The VP suggested we go back to the spot to retrieve the missing flesh. Mind u, its quite big a piece cos half the finger (size of half an adult nail) was gone.

So this male teacher was ard and of cos he was the one to do the dirty job and pluck the flesh from underneath the stone chair. He wore this tortured expression on his face and as soon as he was done, he threw the flesh at me.. Then, this boy called out to me with this plasticky looking thing in his hand. I took a look at it, guess wat? u guys gonna hate me for all the graphic details. Its her full nail with the skin still intact, ard the nail. I almost fainted!!! I had to compose myself and transported the flesh back to the office and found the girl crying already. I think the pain already got to her.

The girl was crying on the shoulder of her sister-cousin who happens to be a p3 girl in my sch. Nx amazement, the p3 girl comforted her little cousin-sister and stroked her head , holding her entire body in her arms. She tried to distract the little girl by asking what was it the last time that the girl drew and wanted to show her before. I was pretty stunned that a p3 girl can haf such maturity to noe that she needs to distract the little girl to help her forget the pain.

Later, the mum came and first thing the mum did was to scold the girl for running, therefore falling. But fact is, she did not run. And with that severed finger????? Why scold anymore?

She left for KK hospital and I went back to the staff room with my curry puff. I stared at the curry puff and shuddered as I rem the battered finger. Thats the worst meal i ever had.

Malacca Trip Update

2 weeks ago, I went with my students to Malacca for a learning journey. It was a 2D1N stay. At first, I was pretty sianz cos i din noe the teachers going with me very well. Furthermore, it was my first time out of sg alone. Most of the time, is ppl look after me when i go out of the country. This time it had to be the other way round, so was feeling pretty nervous.

But before the 2nd day came, I was already thrilled with the trip and all the students with me.

And all the special things that I never got to see in singapore. I have never seen such a plant in singapore. The leaves have thorns on it. My students were very funny. One of them said "老师! 有刺！Immediately after that, he went to prick his finger in the thorn to see if its real and yelped in pain as he jumped. I was laughing my head off when I saw that. It was like, u noe its a thorn, yet u still go and prick your finger on it.

And then, this was taken at St Francis Xavier's burial ground. Supposed to be an old church compound I think. This cage here that u see is actually his "coffin" and his body was buried here.

We went to this farm where the children could feed the deers. First time i saw a REAL deer, with horns somemore. But the deers were so terrified of the swarm of kids who stuffed veges into their mouth.

On the return journey, I took this photo as requested by my student. Personally quite like this pic. The only thing abt this trip is that i missed my family and jastinian. Great for reminiscing though!

Clocks make me feel cheated

My alarm clock died on me one after another. Perhaps because i dun treat them well enough. I knock them flat to the floor everytime i try to reach for them in my groggy state.

So i was telling myself, now i got an excuse to buy myself a nice clock. cos i always see nice and expensive clocks, but see no reason to buy them. and i told myself i wld get myself the nice white frosty colour changing cube clock.

So i spent the whole of today trying to find it. Alas! I found it, and furthermore, its with hello kitty logo. So i told myself, all is worth it cos it has hello kitty somemore! so special!!

So i brought my clock home with a gleeful smile on my face, cant wait to try out the pretty changing light. I brought it to my dad's room to ask him how to set it up.

AND i stared in horror at something black lurking in the corner of the room. i pointed at it frantically and shrieked! I was keeping my fingers crossed at the back that its not the exact same thing. The bottom is the result.

I almost fainted in disbelief. How can anything be so coincidental?!?!?! Somemore its a stylo black! ARGH! Let me die..........

Long Day Out

Today was a really fun filled day cos it was pretty eventful. First, early in the morn, I went to dear to work.. haha.. went with him to deliver stuff for his attachment company. Then had a nice brunch at pepper lunch IMM. Then, after which we went shopping at orchard and watched movie. After that, we went to his house to pick up some clothes and den we went to play badminton with my mum's cell grp.

However, some unpleasant things happened too. Just when we parked his attachment van at his house, we got summoned for coupon that has exceeded the time. But only 14 mins!!! and worse thing is, when we saw the car park attendant, she just walked away from his van only! wah!!! even though only $6, but still its money!! that just flew away right in front of us!! There shld never haf been a job called car park attendant! Sucks money away from ppl's pockets like vacuum cleaners.

Den, another astounding incident happened. We went to KFC to haf a quick snack. And clumsy us, spilled the boiling hot chinese tea on me. (why clumsy US? cos till now we still cant come to a conclusion who caused the spillage. was too chaotic.)

So what happened? He quickly asked a KFC staff who walked past to help us mop the area. So the guy very politely said that he wld get someone to help us. And so we waited and waited, when in the meantime my darling was gushing over my scald, while i myself was getting worried of getting blisters.

10 mins later, suddenly this grouchy looking auntie appeared and the first time she said when she reached us was "who spilled it?" So dear was very nice, he assumed all responsibility. Then, without any delay, the KFC woman said "NO NEED TO SAY SORRY AR???"


????????

Like she was my mum?????

I was like, gaping with my mouth open, unbelieving this thing i just heard.

We din even had a chance to thank her and she demanded an apology from us, like we spilled the tea in her house like that. We were both like WTH??? Not like we are uncivilized ppl. We will definitely thank her for helping us clean up (even though tts supposed to be her job) and if she was kind, we will even apologize for the inconvenience we caused her. But who demands apologies in such context? And does any one ever demand an apology from your customer? Its so funny I felt like laughing all my teeth off la..


So my dear was feeling pretty pissed at being scolded and wanted to report to the manager. But we finally decided the woman might be relying just on this salary to supposed her family, so we din report her. Duno if that was the right thing to do.

Pox Diary 6 - Home delivery

Finally i got some lovely home delivery to cure my boredom. Actually is 4 packets of pocky. Greedy me ate 1 already.

Ladybirds!!

Actually is hand delivered by my dear jastinian. This is a sweet attempt to make me feel better amidst the pox. Just nice, I love ladybirds!! cos they look sooooooooo cute... and dumb... hehe...

Pox Diary 5

Its been 1,2,3,4,5,6!! 6 days since i left my house!!! Thats a big breakthru!! I have never been so homely before!!

Thanks to the invention of the computer and youtube, I dun haf to spend my days in agony at home. The only regret is I cant eat anything I like, and I cant meet anyone. Or lets put it this way, I scare everyone away.

But jastinian really cheered me up just now. He went shopping with the boys and he got me a lil present to make up for not being able to come visit me. Its a lady bird bracelet!! Though I havent seen it yet, but i can kind of imagine it. Besides, I love ladybirds!! They are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute!!! He said will try and see if he can send it over tmr.. So excited!!

Pox Diary 4

This is what u get when u have pox. Someone who is so free to be able to update a blog everyday. So it goes to say that I am not a no-life person. I am just no life when I have pox and no one dares to come visit me and I cant go anywhere.

My rabbit has turned into a ferocious animal. It bites when u try to carry it ard. Jastinian says that its probably cos I caged it up too much. Den he speculate that after my 2 wks of quarantine, I may oso turn ferocious and snap and bite at anyone who provokes me.

No need 2 wks. Just need 4 days and his theory materialized. Today, my dad asked me to try call this company that deals with the buy and sell of club membership as he wanna sell off his club membership in JB since we seldom go. Previously, my mum called up and this stupid woman picked up the phone and was super rude to her, saying that they do not do the buy or sell of Pulai Springs. When my mum called back again to confirm, upon hearing her voice, the stupid woman blasted in the phone " I AM VERY BUSY!!! WE DON'T DO PULAI SPRINGS!!! DON'T CALL BACK AGAIN!!! "

So there, with such background knowledge, of cos I gotta get my speech and thoughts right before I made the call. And I wish I sent the stupid woman hopping mad.

me: Hello, is this XXX enterprise?
stupid woman: yes
me: may i know who I am speaking to?
stupid woman: xxx
me: i see from ur website u do the buy and sell of club memberships?
stupid woman: yes. which one?
me: pulai springs
stupid woman: we don't do pulai springs
me: but i saw it from ur website
stupid woman: its just for show
me: den isnt that a misconception? if u list it there as one of the clubs ur company handles, den u shld do it.
stupid woman: its only for customers to see but we will NEVER NEVER NEVER do pulai springs!!! *note rudeness in tone to a potential valued customer
me: i see, den I advise u to TAKE PULAI SPRINGS OFF YOUR WEBSITE.


and I hung up leaving her stammering and stuttering for words. Rudeness doesnt take u anywhere.

Pox Diary 3

Woke up with 9 pox on my face. Cant even tell which is pox and which is pimple. Thanks to my granny's great idea of not bathing, I stink the whole night and the pox was especially itchy. Perhaps its not such a great idea to be on MC when u cant go anywhere and cant meet anyone for 2 wks and feeling not-so-good inside ur body.


ok. Today besides watching 花样 and laughing my head off, I am gonna do sth useful with my time. Gonna go pack up my cupboard. Its a big mess of clothes. Time to really make space for my new jackets. Been cramming them together like salted veges. OK! Off to work now!

Pox Diary 2

Ok, its the second day of my pox. More popping up and getting bigger and redder. And the biggest bad news is, they are sprouting up from my face!!! So, calamine to the rescue. My grandma was shaking her head when she saw me going to bathe in the morn. She claims that pox "absorbs" water and which explains my increased spots.

So, yes. I stink, but i am not bathing at night now. Talcum powder is gonna be my best friend now. Dun eewwwww... i don't like it either.

I am getting grouchier and grouchier by the day. The only thing that brightens up my mood is the 花样少年少女 on youtube. YIKES!!! I just accidentally broke one pox on my scalp!!!! ARGH!!!!


Ok, back to that show, I am like super addicted to the show. Its soooooooo funny!! At least it keeps me entertained and keeps my hands away from scratching myself. And I hate to admit it, but 吴尊 is really good looking. Days ago, I was chatting with Jastinian on whether 汪东城 is better looking or 吴尊 ( I think i got the chinese character for wang dong cheng wrong but nvm) and Jastinian said he prefers 吴尊. I couldnt agree with him. But after watching the show for a few more times, I can feel the charm exuding from 吴尊 more den from 汪东城. But I think its also marketing gimmick to put him in a better light since he got the cool guy role.

Hey wait. Why am I analyzing actors? I think i am too free...


ARgh.... the itch is coming back.....

Chicky Pox Diary 1

People write Princess Diary. I write Chicky Pox Diary.

Now feeling itchy and the blisters are popping up. I just hope they dun come onto my face. Otherwise, I would say, a 2 wk break really does feel pretty good. Of cos, minus the fever and dizzy spells. But this spare time really allows me to start thinking abt many impt things in my life. Like shld I still stay in my current job etc. And of cos, it gives me a lot of spare time to pack up the ever messy cupboard in my room. I think it gives me a lot of time to reorganize myself since I am stuck at home cos I am now a 鸡瘟 and cant go anywhere.

Oh yes, for the benefit of some who dont know, my 2 wk MC follows the 1 wk march sch holidays. So its 3 wks break in total!!! Come on, envy me...

These 2 weeks have been really really really bad. Thats the very reason I haven been blogging. If it gets worse, I may even stop altogether. So many things happened at home. But in school, I still have to put on a smile and take things in stride. Who understands? Perhaps nobody will because they will never feel the seriousness and gravity of the issue.

I know ppl who are reading this haf no idea at all what I am talking abt. Not surprising. Thats cos u duno wats going on here in my life. I guess I haf no wish to say either. Its too complicated and that, plus working life has nearly sapped the rest of the energy from me.

LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE. Sometimes I wish time didnt fly so fast, so that I would haf spent more time with the person. Looking back, I regret.

"Never take someone for granted. Hold everyone close to your heart, because you may wake up one day, realizing you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones."

How true is this saying. While I was spending all my time with ppl who let me down over and over again, I neglected ppl closest to me, ppl who loved me unconditionally, while I gave my love unconditionally to the ppl who din love me that much.

It takes losses to realize the regrets of life.

If I had a chance to do things differently, I wished I grew up extremely fast so I could advise my parents what to do. Perhaps, things would be entirely different today. But when I come back to reality, I know thats totally impossible.